I reckon with a Halo and a pair of Wings I would look like an Angel. A pretty one at that. ;-)

       Darkness has its own beauty, doesn't it? Here i am, sitting on my bed, with my laptop on my lap! Shayne Ward sings Breathless into my ears, goes on describing every girl's fairytale. The old 'ME' would hav been lost into that perfect Make-Believe world. But uh-uh... not anymore. I let him entertain me... but sorry i am not gonna fall for this mister... though i know i make you breathless. Cos soon the breathlessness is gonna choke you and you're gonna blame me!

                 "You just walked out of my dreams;
                   So beautiful, you're leaving me.. Breathless!"

       The only light in this room right now source from my screen that's almost blinding me, the space under the door, and the light from the creaks of the bathroom door which i must have forgotten to switch off after my hour-long shower! Oh that was refreshing, humming my favorite songs. A long shower is every bathroom singer's mania! I lean over to the switch and put it off. I am a 'Darker, the better' person as night falls. My screen seems to attract loads of insects! So I close the lid of my laptop and look over to my roomie. She's probably sound asleep. This is something different, cos usually i am always the first one to hit the sack. I look at her and i cant stop wondering how i look when i sleep! Does she look over at me too when i sleep and wonder the same thing? I have to ask her tomorrow.

     
        I look at that space below the door and as always, i'm tempted to block that light from creeping inside. But somethings are best left undisturbed. It freaks me when i see shadows of people walking outside when i sleep. I dont like it... That's when i turn towards the wall... staring at the comfort of the blankness that stares right back at me. Probably it sees the same blankness on my face too! Not a good thing. But it's also the only one who sees me smile when i dream of something beautiful and shed a few tears from the corners of closed eyes when the dream is sad. Deewaron ke bhi kaan hote hain? But mine has eyes. Eyes that bore into me all day... and night. It says nothing, but knows it all. Sounds familiar!

        Anyway, i just looked out of the window as my eyes searched for the radiant full moon. The one light i would never want to put off at night is the moonlight. But no, it has risen well above my vision and i am too lazy to walk to the window right now. Reminds me of the total lunar eclipse last night. Oh so beautiful..! The universe mesmerizes me with it's magical treats everytime something like this happens. I stood/sat at my window watching the beauty of it for THREE full hours with no clue of time, which left me wondering later whether that qualifies me as a Moon-watcher or a Freak!

     
        The mirror on my right reflects me glowing in the dark this moment which has brought a crazy thought in my head. I reckon with a Halo and a pair of Wings i would look like an Angel. A pretty one at that. ;-) LOL.... U never know... cos... Miracles happen!

True goodbyes are the ones never said or explained.

       It's a Sunday night and it's a strange feeling. I have a few butterflies in my stomach. No, not because i am nervous, and not because i am leaving... But because others are. Everywhere i see, there are bags being wheeled away... A few Hugs and kisses here, and a few more there... n tears everywhere... Everyday is a new Goodbye, with no guarantees of another Hello..! It's like Joey (from FRIENDS) says to Chandler - "It's like the end of an Era!" How i wish my friends moved just 'across' too! But life's no show cast on the TV, where everything turns out great. Reality kills when it dawns on me that this MIGHT be it...! I hate Goodbyes...

     
       True goodbyes are the ones never said or explained...? I think it's true... A silent smile is the best goodbye. The silence says it all. Outta this chaos, i observed one thing, inspite of feeling so shitty, i am not crying. Tears and me have a very strong bond... OH so very strong if you have to ask... We've got an awesome history together. But since my 'I wanna be strong' motto has taken over my life, my tears seem to have taken a backseat. Am i becoming less emotional? I dont think so. I still FEEL very deeply in every situation. But i guess having emotions doesn't make you weak, Tears do!
  

  

"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos!"

If life was one long text message, i would never wanna use the sad smiley again.... EVER!

      Away from all the screaming madness around and inside me, i seem to have found a quiet little sensible place in my heart. It somehow seems to be taking over me. Looking back to myself, is like looking into a tunnel, with light at the end. Yeah.. There was light... and then there was darkness, then there was pitch darkness, but i guess i found my way out of the tunnel again. Now i find light flooding me out. That's good. Darkness is comfortable, but i dont wanna go back in there.
      How people tend to live in their comfort zone. Looking back, its scary sometimes. When you get a little too comfortable with yourself for too long, i think it's time for a reality check! Those times when you just wanna be. You want to be left alone. You just wanna do nothing. You whine and cry and brood over literally everything around you. Everything in your life seems to go wrong. You want to laze yourself all day long, two days, a week, and more. Then you know you are in trouble..! 
      I ve crawled out of my comfort zone to glide into a new arena. I dont wanna settle yet. Life's just beginning. There is so much i wanted to do as a lil one. Let's take five minutes outta our days and think- What did we think our life would be like now when we were little? I for one had a lotto things i thought i would have done by now. And now introspecting, i find myself not even close.When things dont work out for a long time, then you know something's really wrong, and something needs to be done. It's like a personality emergency!
      We have so many plans for our future all the time that we have no time to live in the present. We are sooooo busy planning our future, we have no time to carry out the plans already chalked out in the past! When we cant get ourselves up and running to yday's dreams, what is the guarranty that today's dream is gonna come true tomorrow or in the near future?!

     
         It can surely come true, but that can happen only when we begin, when we 'DO'...! Passion, hard work... is a must for every little thing. It's so refreshing to feel sunny. To feel good all the time. To not let sadness hover over you. To not be addicted to your thoughts, your dreams to an extent that you tend to float forever. To be able to choose the thoughts you want to let into your mind and think and send the other ones right out...! I like this new game. Being Strong is my new motto. After all we become what we think we are. If i think i am vulnerable... oh yes i am! If i think i am strong, Oh hell yeah, I am! ;)
       If life was one long text message, i would never wanna use the sad smiley again.... EVER! He is happy who thinks he is...! Ting! :D
       Miracles happen.... Happened to me..... N still happening....!!!!! :)

I am in SILENCE....!

    Silence is the best gift for the mankind. But we fail to notice the importance and beauty of it. Silence is beautiful and helps us notice a thousand things that we wouldn't have otherwise... both internally and externally.

    There are so many thoughts in our minds all the time. Most of the times, we are so impulsive that we act even before we think. And then regret the consequences. We say things which we shouln't say and do things which we shouldn't do. Silence is such a beautiful thing. Not being able to hear your own voice is very intimidating sometimes. Our outer voice seems to drown the inner voice all the time. But as our outer voice stops, the inner voice gets its volume. It begins to speak up!

    It's in this state that we realise our qualities, our mistakes. It's this  silence that will help us differentiate between right and wrong. Resisting the urge to blurt out something is very difficult. It's very very difficult to shut up. It's such a challenge. But controlling the urge to speak out immediately will bear fruits later as we realise that things turn out wonderfully bright, for an unuttered word is any day better than an unnecessarily spoken word. The words once spoken, the harm once done, the damage once occured, can never be undone!

    So it's always better to shut up and speak up at a later time. Impulsive actions are troublesome at times. A pinch of silence is necessary in everyone's life everyday. To stabilize our train of thoughts, to regain our focus, to calm our minds, to realise our follies and to relish our achievements. Regrets can last a lifetime, but a timely change of events can definitely save the world, you and me!

 

Ring my bells.........

 
      There's something about the sound of the bell in this temple. It's a beautiful treat to the ear as it resonates all over the empty place. The silence experienced in here is bliss. I sit, i close my eyes 'cos i want to meditate. But whoooosh! All thoughts come jumping in from different directions. Who knew sooo many directions existed at all! They pop in uninvited, without prior notice. One by one, the whole place is crowded with noisy thoughts making it impossible to enjoy the calm, the peace of the surroundings.

    Then someone rings the bell... and zap! All thoughts get lost in a second and my mind is as empty as the temple is. I am aware of the moment i am in. And it feels beautiful. I can hear the bird cooing now, i can hear the squirrel squeaking its heart out, i can hear the winds as they struggle in through the temple bars, the rustling of the leaves to the drops falling out one by one outta the pipe just outside.

    I decide to use a focus point of the present and choose to use the sound of the water drops. Every time i hear a drop i get my mind back to the present. It's difficult. After a while all the thoughts that were pushed out try sneaking in! Another drop, n i push them out further. After some time, its not so difficult anymore. It's like a game. Now it's a competition between my present and my 'past+future'! I definitely want to be a winner in my future but i have learnt not to ruin my present for a time which no one can see.. not yet atleast! What if tomorrow never comes. Then would you like dying a loser?! So to be a winner now, i start with this silly lil competition and swear to win it at any cost. N trust me though it sounds silly, i think it's one of the most difficult game to play.

    The 'uninvited' bad thoughts are really good at what they do. Practice makes a man perfect? Well.. these cruel creatures are the best at what they do.But i will try my best to not let 'em choose me to be a prey anymore... uh huh! 'Cos now i have someone else to practice on me for. My present. I want my present moments to practice stayin on me as long as they can without crossing the boundaries! Another fun game??? ;-)

    With all these scheming happening inside my mind, there's another bell that chimes and i open my eyes. I see the time. It's been a good half an hour!!! One of my longest...(yes.. m not a pro! Not yet!) Feeling as refreshed as ever, i walk over to the sanctum sanctorum. Bow to the Almighty, surrender my disturbed thoughts to Him for keeping them away from me till i am strong enough to shoo them away myself!!!!!

    Eat, Pray, Love??? I seem to be doing it in the reverse today... Love, Pray.... EAT??? My stomach growls and it angrily reminds me that food for thought doesn't qualify as food for a hungry tummy! :-P Noodles! Oops... i mean....Toodles! ;-)

I opened my eyes a second time.... You made me!

    There are two times in my lifetime that i opened my eyes. The first time, I fell in love with my mother and the second time, I fell in love with something divine. The first time, i learnt to see and the second time, i learnt to see through. The first, i learnt to live for myself and the second, i learnt to live for love. The first time, i breathed to stay alive and the second time, someone took my breath away.

     The second eye-opener showed me a mirror. The mirror of reality. It wiped the fog of fantasy and cleared my view towards life. The mirror still gets misty, but it taught me to wipe it in time. I realised it wasn't dark out there. It never was. It was me, with my eyes closed all along. It taught me i can be my own sunshine and my own cloud... whichever i chose to see! The first time, i saw clouds and the second, i saw the clouds part to reveal the sun. The clouds keep forming. Sometimes a beautiful blue, and sometimes the dark ones. But it taught me every cloud has a silver lining, and every dark cloud pours down into rain.

    The first time, i learnt to breathe and the second, i learnt to live. The eye-opener is not an incident but a soul. A soul so special in my life,not because of its beauty, but cos of the things it made me do, cos of the things it opened in front of me, cos of the beautiful moments it bestowed on me, cos of the strength it generated in me! It ripped me apart and let light enter the dark spaces. It pushed out the negatives, to make place for more positives. It showed me what i lack and what i'm lacking. It broke open my shell and gave me wings to fly. It did so many things it still doesn't know!

     This soul is beautiful and serene. It's pure and clean. It's generous and forgiving. It's promising and caring. It's a mature kid as well as an immature adult. It's the incarnation of righteousness and the embodiment of true love. This soul belongs to a Hero who says nothing but still says it all, who hears nothing but still knows it all.

    This soul travels with me everyplace, and now dwells in my subconsciousness. It scolds like a mother and pampers like a dad. It spoils like a friend and shares secrets like a soulmate-


"A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. They come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you! "

      On this special day i want to thank this soul for being one with mine. For the innumerous memories to last for a lifetime. Want to tell the soul that i do not know the purpose of its existence this life but i do know one thing, that this soul was born to give birth to me for the second time, to the same world but a different outlook. Now when i close my eyes, i dont see the darkness of the clouds, but a night with twinkling stars. When i open my eyes, I dont see clouds closing in, but clouds making way for the sun. My eyes get misty when the clouds from the past surface into the present, but the vision of a bright future leaves me unshaken.

    The soul just glides alongside always, sometimes visible, sometimes invisible, sometimes thought about and some other times just felt... and sometimes maybe i am just hallucinating! You are special... very! You are thought about all the time and included in every prayer that follows!

....I am magically grounded to reality!

       I'm a dreamer. I love dreaming all the time. Transporting to a magical land that doesn't exist has been my daily to and fro journey. How i wish i could stay there forever. Forever happy, forever good, forever beautiful. Imagining something is 'as real as' living a perfect life for people like me. Getting out of the dream to reality hits us like a bitch! I always wondered what i should do... I love my magical world, at the same time i need to be realistic. I finally got my answer in the book - Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.
       Ketut's magic drawing has stuck such an impression in my mind, heart and soul. It's such a beautiful concept.....

"To find the balance you want, this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have 4 legs instead of 2. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God."

        Howwww beee-yooo-tiful...!!! From the time i first read it, i ve read it over and over again a million times and i still haven't been able to digest the beauty of this. How simple and how genius! I call this concept as being 'MAGICALLY GROUNDED'. It helps me see the world as a magical beautiful place while i keep myself grounded to reality. The legs keep reminding me the harsh reality, the practicality of life, while the 'Looking through your heart and not the head' helps me connect to every person, every creature around. It gives me the calm, undisturbed mind I sometimes need. A peaceful atmosphere to dwell a tired mind.
        Just looking through your heart without your foot grounded firmly would never help. I plan to draw this picture myself soon and stick it to my wall of fame... ;-) There's so much to learn, there are sooo many beautiful theories out there. I wish i come across all the best ones. I pray God to give me wisdom enough to understand, appreciate and implement the ones i really do some across. Tathastu.

Someday, I'll have a rainbow in my eyes...

    

     Colors...! They make me sooo happy! I sit at my table and i cant take my eyes off my wall. There are times when i just love to stare at it forever. I have these sticky colorful notes all over with my favorite quotes. They always seem to speak to me.

    There are times when a troubled mind finds no peace. I look outta my window, praying God to help me out. To send me a rainbow. I look in and my eyes automatically search the colors on my wall, and there's always ONE particular quote that seems to scream out at me. And the more i look at it, the more relaxed and focussed i get. I get my solutions and my mind is untroubled. Right, positive, cheerful quotes on colorful papers always do the trick for me.

    Sometimes without a reason, i like to look around and read all of those to myself. And other times, unintentionally, my subconscious mind seems to be taking it all in. So i recommend its a fun way to be positive and happy. Ofcourse, the real strength lies in your mind. But if something helps, then why not... right?! Geez! Call me a color freak, but I'm proud of the bedsheet my bed sports most of the time. I could play 'Color color, what color do you choose' and win every game without moving out of my bed!

    I've always had this soft spot for stationeries. Anything, any kind. It just fascinates me.There's not a time when i go out to buy something, and i haven't had the urge to buy one of every kind, every shape and every color! I dream of having one big collection in my home someday where i could just go and look at it when i feel so. I wouldn't mind not using them all my life. Just looking at them- all brand-new, unopened, colorful, shiny, neatly stacked- gives me such pleasure! Gets a lil smile on my face and a sparkle in my eyes. I feel like how a 3 year old might feel in Disneyland.(Bdw I'm 21, and i still dream of visiting Disneyland someday!)

    Someday, I'll have it all.... Someday, I'll have every color in my life.....Someday, I'll have my perfect beautiful rainbow in my eyes... Someday, i'll have successfully gone through every shade this life has to offer for me....Someday, I'll sit and stare at it all....And then I'll go back to this day and play a lil 'Color-color' game... Me with myself... Present with the past.... And i hope with all the colors in my heart that the future 'Present' comes out as the winner. Amen.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight?!

    I think my all time favorite starter would be 'I was looking outta the window and....'! I seem to always get most of my thoughts in place when i look out of my 'fenetra' ( the new word i got from my sister, n m kinda loving the way this word sounds n it's been itching me ever since to use it... 'fenetra', 'fenetra'... ooooooh ;-) ).

    Looking outta the window with music seeping into my ears through the ear-phones is divine. I relish every note with such pleasure and happiness. Again, divine! It actually feels like the music is 'flowing' into my ears, the way water flows in a pipe in a garden..beautifully, slowly... gliding me into the state of mind which is beautiful, out of the world!

        There's darkness outside, and the view outside reveals a galaxy on earth. I can see the moon shining up above in all its glory, but the stars refuse to shine today. Jus one or two, here and there. But then i look down, and the lights from the valley flicker around. It's as if the stars have descended on earth and are having a lil dance party of their own. Oh so beautiful...!

       There's something about the moon. It's always there.. calm, quiet and serene. A mysterious glow surrounds it everytime i spend time gazing at it. It seems to want to give me a message. But i just cant figure out what. I think i can figure it out, but the problem is, one look at the moon and i'm lost... in its beauty! Have i ever seen something more beautiful? No.. Something more romantic? No.. Something more soothing? No.. Something more mysteious? No..

       There's definitely some magic in a moonlit night. Everything somehow looks very different and beautiful. A small pebble, a deserted well, a torn dupatta hanging from a tree, a broken mirror, a mended heart.... Everything gets associated with something divine and heavenly. I myself feel like an angel with a halo this moment. This is the magic of the moon.

       It's my dream to lie on the shore of the sea, on a full moon day with stars sparkling off in their full grandeur. The company of a loved one along, a dance in the moonlight. Awwww... Perfecto! There is no need for music. Dancing in the music of the waves, the wind and the silence! Wow... Far from reality, but it's ok to dream of experiencing a fantasy for real, once in a lifetime, innit? Miracles happen.... :-)

People... Are you thinking the same as me???

    Sometimes its nice to just look at people... random people... and wonder what they are thinking. I like to wonder whether somebody else around is doing the same thing. If i catch a person's eye, i cant help but ponder whether that person is doing the same thing that i am,  whether the person is trying to figure out what i am thinking, whether he/she 'knows' what i am thinking!

    Hmmm... no one can know. For sometime let's imagine a world where each of us could read each others thoughts. Would life be simpler..? Or more complex..? Some thoughts are best told, some best unsaid, and others.. well.. best unheard!

    I think there are three kinda people. First, those who do not help anyone. Second, those who help in need. Third, and the most important, those who teach people to help themselves. When it struck me, i immediately could place myself and the people i know in three columns in a jiffy!

    Frankly and sadly i place myself in the second category. I am more than willing to help most people but the help i provide temporarily brightens a person up. It wouldn't last long. Luckily i have some people in my life who belong to the third category. There is so much to learn from these people. Second category people are those who will pull us out of the mess again and again if needed. Third are those who will let us be messy and teach us to pull ourselves out once and for all!

    It's amazing how people function. None two alike. Everyone's so unique. Every person has a beautiful and an ugly side! It always has been my habit to look at only the beautiful side of a person. I sometimes feel, a little thought and i ll forgive even a murderer! I am curious whether there is any person i'll meet whom i'll hate to the core of my heart. Whether i'll meet someone whom i will not be able to forgive even if i wanted to. Would i ever? Hmmm... that i'll just have to wait and see... Musing!

Mom-Dad...Sometimes they wont let you win! Read to know...

I just came across this lady, Priya Kumar... The following is a part of her Dedication of her book 'License to Live'. She reminded me how much my parents have done for me. Read on. Beautifully written. If i had writing talents enough, probably this is how i would express it, maybe better!


"When people look at me in admiration, what they miss to see are the two pairs of hands that worked  tirelessly in shaping who I am today. When people reciprocate the warmth that I have in my heart, what they miss seeing are the two hearts that forgot their own heartache to mend mine. Every time when people see a glimpse of greatness in all I do, what they miss to see are the endless hours of work and sleepless nights that my parents went through in keeping my world safe as I grew. I live in a beautiful world because of the beauty my parents built within me. I am sane in the chaos around me because my parents very subtly nurtured values and integrity in me that have made me the success that I am. My parents gave me the best that they had and nothing less. When I look back on all those years and even today in the present, I see two parents still working at their now grown up baby, doing the best they can to make sure I have a great life,  and I do."

                                                                                            -Priya Kumar

Can we ever love back our parents enough...?!... Ever...?! I dont think so. This is one field in which our parents will never let us win. They will always be a step ahead, or maybe sometimes a step behind to push us forward. But they will always love us a little bit more, Always! My aim in life is now to defeat them in love by loving them more... L win..? L lose...? I donno... but i will LOVE!

Mr.Sun, Mr.Lazy and a game of Hide n Seek!

Lagan lagi tumse mann ki lagan.....

I'm a few hours away from what is going to be my last first sessional and here i am, as chilled as ever. I look at my economics notes, and all i see is numbers, some set of vertical and horizontal lines, some arrows and some blah-blah shit! I look away and have the irresistible feeling of never looking back at it again.

Gali gali ghoome, dil tujhe dhoonde....

There's music playing from my brand new playlist and i'm room-alone. There's this glass of tea i just made and a packet of snacks i like to call 'Wheels'. My tummy growls with hunger that a packet of junk can never satisfy. But my legs who have recently befriended Mr.Lazy refuse to move my ass out of the room.

Tere bin tarse nayan.....

The ambience in the room is perfect somehow. I sit by the window, curtains drawn. After a week of wet soaken days of hide and seek, the hidden sun has finally decided to seek! I don't like it.. I prefer cloudy days. I hate going out in rain. But i love rains when i am all cozy in my room. Cloudy days always inspire me to do what i've always wanted to. It lets me get lost which i most of the times am. At the same time it makes life look beautiful and perfect.

Bol na halke halke....

I think Mr.Sun has somehow gotten into a misconception that i am playing hide and seek with it. It somehow finds a gap between my curtains to shine right into my right eye! No sunny dear... I sure am hiding from you, but i do NOT want you to seek me. We'll play some other time. So..

Dhaage tod laao chandni se noor ke....
Ghoongat hi bana lo roshni se noor ke....

I like the early morning sunshine. That has the same effect on me. But the brighter it gets, somehow the magic seems to disappear. The same sun and the same view which seemed to rejoice with me early morning seems to resent me in the noon! Gets me back to reality. I need a lot of exposure to gruelling sun??? Coz i seem to always live in a world made up in my mind! Anyway, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Woh ek din sau saal ka...
Sau saal ki woh raat thi...

Okayyy... REALITY reminds me-  i was supposed to be studying right now.. wasn't i??? See... getting lost??? Didn't i just say it happens to me something like, ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!! Whew... I look back at my notes now reluctantly, and the arrows seem to whizz out of the page one by one and poke me everywhere! Ouch! Ok ok.. I am coming, I am coming!

Gaye tum gaye ho kyon...
Har baat baaki hai...
Gaye kyon, jiyein kyon...

This one is for keeps cos i love him and he loves me!

      He came to me as a farewell gift from my aunt in class four when i was just leaving a familiar territory into an unfamiliar one. That's what happens to you if your dad works in a transferable job! Sigh! Anyway, i was all sad and miserable for having to leave back my school, my friends, my relatives, my soul-sister, my place! And just an hour before leaving, i get this gift which brings a smile on my sullen face.I am not allowed to open it immediately cos it's late. You can imagine what it is to have a wrapped gift in your hand and not be able to open it. More sobs! So my aunt decides to tell me what is in it. She tells me its a teddy bear! My my! The joy i felt cannot be explained in words. I couldn't wait to climb the bus and reach the destination just so that i could open it up. Hehe.. The wonders a teddy bear can do to you!

     Teddy bears.... Brings a smile on almost every girl's face, lil or grown up! These soft cuddly lil toys actually play such an important role in my life. I wouldn't call em toys. Nope! Cos teddies n me go way too far. I can proudly say i stil have my first ever teddy bear with me and all of those which followed. I love all of them so much, but there's always a favorite. ;-)

    The bus purred away, and i couldnt get my eyes off the box and finally dad laughs at me and tells me i can open it up if i cant wait until the morning. (Oh he knew i couldn't catch a single wink of sleep until i saw it :-P) Bless him! I tear open the wrappings, lo and behold...This box has a transparent side to it. And that's when i caught the first glimpse of what was going to accompany me for times to come, as my best friend.

    He(Yeah! I somehow felt it was a 'beary boy'.. I have no clue why!) looked back at me with those beautiful brown eyes. I had a sudden urge to kiss his pretty lil pink nose. He was a lemon-yellow furry lil bear with a green ribbon. Satisfied with what i saw i finally look out of the window into the cold dark night, breeze hitting my face. A thing of beauty is joy forever? So true... I stared out into nothingness and all of a sudden i wake up mom dad. There's an emergency situation!

    They look at me concerned, cos they know what i am going through with all the change happening. I tell them my emergency concern of the moment and they look at each other, burst out laughing. And i look back with disbelief and anger. Dont they understand...? I HAVE TO NAME MY NEW TEDDY BEAR! They try telling me that this christening ceremony can wait till we move into our new home. But i was deaf-ears. They slipped back into sleep while i put my thinking cap on! I had to name him and it had to end with an 'ee' sound.(I always had an inclination to name all my toys ending with an 'ee'.. pinky, dolly, beauty, baby, teddy, bunny...) Should i call him sweety? Yellowy? Yelly? Lemony?

    And then it came to me with a rush of excitement, and it felt soooo right! CUTIE... :) The name felt familiar already. Lil did i know how connected i was going to be to this name in the times to come. Being a single kid, Cutie has played innumerous roles in my life- my sibling, my secret-keeper, my huggy friend, my bedtime-pal and my best friend. It's old, faded and weak now. But this old wise fellow is for keeps cos i love him and he loves me. So that was it, content and relief swept over as i drifted to a happy sleep hugging on to my Cutie pie. I wasn't alone anymore!

Cutie is my teddy bear

Which is very fair.

He has yellow hair

And a small tail.

He has two eyes

Which look very nice.

He has white toes

And a pink nose.

He has two ears

Which very well hears.

He has a bow green

And he is very clean.

For me he is dearest

And for all he is cutest.

                                            -Written by fourth class Pranita! ;-)

Your inner voice is calling, calling you!

Make God your guru,
Let him tell you what to do,
Listen! He is calling, calling you!
Take time to listen, have courage to obey,
The inner voice is calling, calling you.
There are voices all around us,
That of enemies and of friends,
Do this, don't do that, the chorus never ends.
But I shall always listen, to that quiet inner voice,
It is still and definite, and I've made my choice.
Make God your guru,
Let him tell you what to do,
Listen! He is calling, calling you!
Take time to listen, have courage to obey,
The inner voice is calling, calling you.

      It just came to me today, the prayer from my class one which i uttered everyday till class three, not really knowing what it meant.(Ok..There's a huuuuge list of what i did, not really knowing what it meant, someday it ll make sense?!) I ve recalled it a few more times ever since, understanding it a little more each time. But today i think i can finally say I KNOW what it means, word to word! I think there's a reason why this prayer always stuck in my head. I think there's a reason why this is the only prayer i remember by HEART without ever making conscious efforts. I think there's a reason why i remembered it right now. I just know it...

      The message behind it is so simple. Always do what your inner voice tells you to. No one can deny there's a voice inside us which keeps telling us the right thing to do.But we somehow let our friends, our enemies, the society influence our decisions! Sometimes the influence is good too.. but in those times your inner voice will tell you its a good influence! It never lies, always loves.

      We do not listen to it cos we are scared to admit to ourselves that we are not on the right path. Gradually the voice fades away. It doesn't die, but it loses it's voice. Do not let your inner voice die. 'Take time to listen and have courage to obey'. Doing what our inner voice tells us to is the most difficult thing in today's world. Inspite of that, if we show courage and obey it, I am sure the rewards will be sweet. Why do something for the people who don't really care? Instead do something for the people who love you, whom you love and for US!

      Mayb some time in future, i'll find another hidden meaning to it which i fail to see now. Nevertheless, I hereby declare this prayer as my favorite prayer. I wish it continues unravelling its beauty and its secrets always, bestowing its blessings on me till the end, making me wiser and stronger. I pray God that he give me enough wisdom that i travel this journey of life in such a way that on my last day on earth, i can happily say, "I know everything this prayer had in store for me". Amen!

I believe in....?

Okies people... oops! I dont think anyone even reads this... anyway... long time since i came blogging.... Doesn't really make a difference to anyone but ME... Hmmm... I was wondering what is it about life that makes it sooo unpredictable.... seriously...!!! Things change within the blink of an eye!

One thing i have realised today, that is when u believe in something, believe in it completely..... Come what may... If you put all your heart and work towards something good, the result can never be bad... The universe will make sure you achieve it... Life is about being positive and believing strongly.... It's about giving without expecting in return... When we do good and expect returns, it doesn't make us happy.... Expectations are killers... Jus give and do not expect... Your karma will take care of you... All the troubles and sadness you face are the results of your own wrong-doings... All the joy and happiness you get are the result of our good selfless deeds... Only your karma decides in what proportions you get it..!

Do good and leave it to God... Most people live in the misconception that good deeds are rewarded immediately... We need to realise that if we do good, we surely get good in return, but may not be in the form we expect it to be.. Because God alone knows what is really good for us...! A change in a person is always gradual....it can never be seen overnight... We make up our mind to change, and feel the necessity to be noticed... But when we change truly, it need not be told, for it will be seen..!

I realised one more thing today.... Today we live in such a quick world.... Where results are got in less than seconds time... This has psychologically moulded our minds such that if we make up our mind to do something good in order to achieve something... we expect the results instantly... We need to realise that nature takes its own sweet time to give you when you deserve it... So never stop but go on... Never stop believing in something if you really believe in it from the bottom of your heart! Perseverance with a good intention can attain anything...!

When you love someone, love like how your mother loves you... Selfless and true....! A mother will never lie about her love to her children... She is lying only if she says she doesn't love you! Love with your doors open... Because true love is one in which you don't need walls but only doors... If it goes out of one door, it wil surely return from another...Because true love lies in your heart... And to keep someone in your heart, you need no walls...!


Believing in miracles like never before.....! I know it'l happen....!

I want OUT of this....!

       Haven't written for long.... not outta touch though! Recently i ve been wondering a lot about my future.. N the confusion is frustrating me to the core... M confused like i have never ever been before! I wish i had never grown up... What was i even thinking as a kid when i wanted to be a BIG GIRL...! How stress-free those days were... Good old days!

       Presently the reason why i am so fondly remembering childhood is coz right now m at a loss o my wits... I'm scared about the decisions i need to make about my life... The decisions which are gonna shape my future... As kids, our toughest choices were limited to the kinda clothes we wanted to buy, or the choice of food in a hotel... As we grew, we somehow never had to make the big decisions of life... Our parents made it, or our stereo-typical society led us to those...

       I have realized that the social perceptions of future for a girl has brought me to the junction where i presently am... But what next...? I have no clue... All of a sudden i find no people to make decisions for me... It's up to me what i want to become... It's upto me how i see myself from now on... But what should i do when i don't see it... What should i do when i can't decide what's right for me and what not... what can i do when every person's opinions seems right... what should i do???!!!! 

       I look at some people with awe who know what they want... It's all planned... And it frustrates me all the more and i am inclined to make the decision of my life soon... The more i make a firm mind about a choice, the other one seems a lil more appealing... I jump to the later, and the former seems right again... I want OUT of this situation which is driving me crazy...!!! This is high time and my mind is a whirlwind of choices, and tough decisions... I have to act, act fast, act NOW.. before it's too late to decide....! 

       But yet again... i wish a miracle happens that shows me the right way... The way that's gonna help my bud blossom into a thing of beauty and get me joy forever... I wish i really knew what i wanted outta life... I wish... i wish...!

       Waiting for this big miracle.... waiting for that sign which will take me to my written destiny..... Then again they say, We become what we think of the most.... But what will i become when i see many versions of 'me' which don't seem to get along together...! Hoping for peace, praying God for a decision-making miracle....! Tathastu....!